I guess some people never grow up....

I went to my good friend's wedding today and it was a beautiful ceremony. I ended up having a anxiety attack and making myself sick though. I went and got my hair done today so that I would feel good about how I looked. I bought a dress especially for the occasion and wore new shoes that were really cute. I was really confident until two women that I know walked into the ceremony. I was polite, I smiled and waved. However what happened next made me extremely self conscious. They kept looking and me and talking and laughing, so much so that my husband even noticed. It wasn't like there was anyone behind me either, it was aimed at me. I know it is probably because they aren't happy with their lives and need to drag someone else down, but why me? I hate being fat, I hate being self conscious and most of all I hate the way people treat me because I am fat. I hope to see a different side of people after the surgery, but one thing is for sure, I will NEVER EVER treat a person the way I have been treated while being FAT!!! I was so upset today that I couldn't even stay for the reception. I was on the verge of tears I was so distraught. Thank goodness for my husband, he is the best guy in the whole world. He got me calmed down and made me laugh. It made the biggest difference in the world at least I could go home and not spend the rest of the evening in tears. Even thinking about it now, it makes me nauseous, how can people be so mean?

Old Records Received

I logged onto my account on Dr. Graber's website and they received my old records from my endocrinologist as well as my PCP. That is one less thing that I have to worry about.

I am being extremely good with my diet as I get weighed in a week from tomorrow. I want to show them that I am serious about this surgery. I just hope that I am loosing. My jeans keep sliding down so hopefully that is a good sign. I didn't walk yesterday because I spend almost the entire day packing our office at work because we moved to another building today. I was wiped out when I go home. I am going to try to go walk tonight so that I can make a habit of it.

A Few More Things Off of the List....

Done - Referrals for all Pre-Op Appointments from PCPs Office
Done - Fax request for PCP to send copies of my records to Dr. Graber's Office
Done - Thyroid Blood Work
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Wow. I made some serious headway today. I was going to ask my boss today about the working from home, but he had a family emergency and had to leave early this morning. I'll try to touch base with him tomorrow. I took care of the referrals and request for files to be sent first thing this morning. My husband and I went out at lunch so that I could have my thyroid blood work done and we stopped at McDonalds. I had a cheeseburger Happy Meal, with a small fry and a bottled water. I wanted a toy, but I got NOTHING. Oh well.

I walked a half of a mile today and it wasn't too bad. I wanted to do more, but I was afraid that I would over do it and be sore tomorrow. I'm looking forward to increasing my speed and distance. I want to prove to my husband that I'm going to stick with it so that he'll be on board with my decision to get and Elliptical Machine after the surgery.

Got the Letter....

I finally got the letter and paperwork from Dr. Graber's office. Everything seems to be all set I have to go have blood work done as well as have some files transferred to his office. I need to get that done sooner rather than later so that they can get information to the Insurance Company. I'll try to get it done this week. I can cross another thing off of my list from last week. The treadmill is out of the corner so that I can walk even if it is raining out as Spring is FINALLY here!!! The only two things that are still on my original list are to call my PCPs office to get referrals for my appointments and to ensure that I can work from home for the two weeks after surgery.

I've been busy all weekend and I can honestly say that I've eaten out at least once every day. I'm trying to be good, and I am making better decisions and I'm definitely noticing that I am not as hungry all the time and I am eating less. I know that I still have a long way to go and I am hoping that it will get easier as I get closer to the surgery.

I went shopping with my mother 2 days this weekend and I have a lot of respect for smaller people now. I may be very large, but my mother is a size 4. She has difficulties finding clothes too. I guess that it just goes to show you that no matter what size you are you can't always find things that are perfect for you. I can't wait to be thinner - shopping will be fun!

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures!

Well my husband took pictures of me this morning both in my underwear (only for my eyes) as well as with clothes on from the Front, Left Side, Back and Right Side. I was a little shocked by them but as he told me this morning he thinks that I have lost weight since I went to Dr. Graber for my first consultation, which did make me feel a little better.

I've been updating a file on my PC with what I've been eating on a daily basis as well as my water intake. I'm hoping that it will help me stay focused. I went out to lunch on Thursday and said I would only have 1 breadstick. I lied, they were calling my name and because I was in a class all morning I ate breakfast much earlier than normal that day I was ready to eat my arm off by the time I made it to lunch. I had a bowl of soup, salad and 4 Breadsticks. I was a bad, bad girl. I came home and had the other 1/2 of my entree from Wednesday for dinner.

Today I went to lunch with my Mother and had a 1/2 of a tuna sandwich w/ a small handful of chips and about 5 french fries. I was more than satisfied. The only bad thing that happened today was that I had stopped at Walmart for a few things and by the time I was checking out I was starving and thirsty. I got a bottle of water which wasn't the problem and a 100 calorie pack of Beef Jerky. The jerky was awesome until I remembered that it was a Friday during Lent - eek. I had to call my mother to ask if I would go to he!! for eating meat on a Friday, to which she replied NO! It wasn't like I did it knowingly, oops!!

I logged onto my account on Dr. Graber's website today to find out that my medical consultation is scheduled with an EKG on May 23rd. I've got quite the list of appointments and they are all written down on my calendar so that I can keep them straight. I hope that I get a letter from the office telling me who the appointments are with as right now they are just dates and times.

I don't have much planned this weekend other than working on finishing a quilt that I am making for my girlfriend' s wedding that is this coming weekend. It is all done with the exception of hand sewing on the binding. It will take some time, but I'm hoping to get it done between tomorrow and Sunday.

What a Difference

Who would have thought cutting out diet soda would make such a difference in how I feel. I am completely off of soda and have been for about a week and a half and I feel such a big difference. I actually enjoy water now. I like it plain, with lemon, and of course with any variation of Crystal Light there is. You have to love the little packets to go - they're awesome!!!

I went out to dinner with my husband tonight and he really noticed a big difference in how and what I ate. I was eating much slower and savoring everything. I also didn't eat nearly as much as I have in the past. I had some soup and a slice of bread. About 1/2 of my dinner entree and we shared a piece of coconut cream pie of which he probably had most of of it, but that is okay we enjoyed ourselves. I don't even feel the urge to have soda when he has it anymore which is a-okay with me.

Over dinner we talked about making a photo journal of my progress. I am tempted to take a picture from the front as well as the side once a month from here until I meet my goal weight. I think that I will take the first pictures this weekend. It will be a little late on the start, but that is okay. I don't think that I have lost any weight between my initial consult and now.

I have to go to a training class for work tomorrow which will be a nice break. I am going with two of my officemates and we decided that we'd go to Olive Garden for lunch for Soup, Salad and Breadsticks. I have already promised myself a bowl of soup, a salad and ONE breadstick, nothing more than that. I'll have to stop at the store on my way to class tomorrow to get some water for the day. I've been averaging 80-110 ounces of water a day and I don't want to miss out on my water.

Two Things Checked Off

I called the insurance company at 1:45pm and talked with Twila. She was very nice and extremely helpful. She told me that both of the Anesthesiologist Groups that are at the hospital are not participating with my insurance, however with anesthesiologists they only need a referral from the surgeon performing the surgery to be considered a In-Network provider. That did make things a little easier.

I also put in for vacation from June 7th to June 20th and it was approved. I haven't heard anything about there being a problem with me working from home during the time I am recuperating so I hope that it doesn't become a problem.

I am soooo tired, otherwise I would have checked off a 3rd thing on my list today. That treadmill is still sitting there, buried in the corner. My husband has said that we'll get it out tomorrow come he!! or high water :)

Oh My Gosh...

My surgery has been scheduled for June 7th. I found out that it had been scheduled on Dr. Graber's website. I was on his site last week and realized that there was a spot to log in to your patient account and I was really surprised. I didn't have a user id or password so I called the office late Friday afternoon. I was given my user id and password and was thrilled that I would be able to log in. When I go home Friday night I immediately logged in. It had information about my upcoming appointments and places to log my food intake and exercise. I'm assuming that this information is for after the surgery, not before. I got thinking that maybe I should create myself and excel document regarding what I've been eating and what I've been doing for exercise for backup in case the insurance company might like the information. I am so excited that they have already scheduled my surgery. My date is about 2 months earlier that I had hoped for.

I still need to call my PCP for the referrals for all of my appointments leading up to the surgery, but I figure I will wait for the paperwork from Dr. Graber's office to let me know specifically who I will be seeing so I can provide that information to my PCPs office when I call. With some of the paperwork that I have already received regarding my surgery was information about the anesthesiologists that would be available for my surgery. I have to call my insurance company to see if either of the groups is covered.

Things To Do:
1. Call Insurance Company to find out if any of the anesthesiologists will be covered
2. Call PCPs office to get referrals for my upcoming appointments processed
3. Submit paperwork at work for 2 weeks of vacation following the surgery
4. Ensure that I can work from home from time to time during the 2 weeks following the surgery
5. Get the treadmill out so that I can walk everyday regardless of the weather!

Exercise and Nutrition Consultations

I ended up leaving work to go to the chiropractor today as my neck was really out of whack. As I was headed back to work I stopped by the house to get the mail. Much to my surprise there was another letter letting me know that my Exercise and Nutrition Consultations were scheduled for May 2nd. I was really excited to get those dates. I've added them to my calendar and I am looking forward to them.

I have officially made it a whole day without drinking any diet soda. I had 1/2 of a can last night and it actually didn't taste that good. I didn't have any craving for the bubbles today!! I'm not addicted to the caffeine like many people are, I'm addicted to the carbonation. The fact that I am finally able to go a whole day without a soda is a step in the right direction.

I'm desperately trying to make sure I stick to the plan that Dr. Graber would like me to follow. I've been trying to be really good all the time, but when I am having a hard time I try to make good choices. I have some Girl Scout Cookies and some chocolate that I ordered from co-workers that I am just going to put out at the office "Free for the Taking." All of it will be gone in about 2 minutes :)

The only people that I haven't told about the surgery are my two best friends. The first one I haven't told yet because she can be a little more opinionated than most and not as open-minded. However she is very concerned about my health and weight. I'm not sure when I am going to tell her, it may actually be after the surgery when all she can do is support me. The second one is so understanding and open-minded but she is getting married in a couple of weeks and she has been really busy. As soon as we get a chance to sit down and talk I will tell her all about my plans.

I'm going to hound my husband this weekend to get the treadmill out. I really need to start walking everyday. I have a lead on a used elliptical machine, but I'll have to be patient to see if that works out.

Could it be a date?

I got paperwork in the mail today scheduling my pre-op testing on May 31st at 10:30am. This was quite a surprise since I haven't heard anything else from Dr. Graber's office about any appointments leading up to my surgery. I'm really excited about the date. That would mean my surgery could potentially be the first week of June.

My Parents....

I told my Mom & Dad today about my plans to have the surgery and they didn't seem really interested. I'm not sure if it is because they don't understand the surgery or the need for it. I don't think they understand that I need to loose more that 150 pounds. Who knows what will happen as far as their support. I don't think they have seen me struggle since I haven't lived with them since college.

I tried to explain that I needed to loose weight to be healthy and be able to have children. My Mother called a little while ago and asked if we had been to a fertility specialist before I went and did this as weight might not be the reason we haven't had children yet. She is fixating on the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant yet, not the fact that I am probably not healthy enough to conceive or have a healthy pregnancy without complications. Arrrrgh!!!

The Wait.....

All I can do is wait at this point. I have to wait another couple of weeks before I get the listing of all of my appointments. I think the hardest thing to do is wait. I'm definitely making strides toward my surgery though. I told my two office mates last week so that they were not completely in the dark. That way if I have to talk to the doctor's office while I am at work they can try to run interference for me. I still haven't told my parents but I think that will happen on Monday when my husband and I get home from our weekend away. We're visiting my husband's brother this weekend and we told him as well. He thinks that it is a great idea :)

I am much more aware of what I eat and the amount of soda I was drinking before. Now I am trying to drink only water or crystal light and trying to cut down on the snacking between meals. When I get home I should be right on track to eat my B, L. & D with no snacking and no Diet Soda.

I can't wait to talk to my surgery "mentor" as I haven't seen her in a couple weeks. I have a lot to tell her.

My First Consultation Went Well

I went for my consultation today and met with Dr. Graber and his office staff. It was very informative and they were very positive about the whole thing. The first member of the office staff that I met had actually had the surgery herself which made me feel a ton better. Its nice to see that an employee of the group had the surgery performed.

They explained the surgery and the steps that I needed to take prior to the surgery. The main one being don't gain any weight and wean myself off of Diet Coke. If it is between having a healthy life and starting a family and Diet Coke, I can definitely survive without the Diet Coke. They mentioned that I should cut down on my portion size and eat Lean Cuisine-Healthy Choice-Weight Watchers type meals for two meals a day and try not to snack between meals. By following this weight management plan and adding exercise I should be able to meet my insurance companies requirement of a physician monitored diet and exercise program for 3 months proximal to my surgery date. They have a woman on staff who will be able to help me get all the information together when they send forward the paperwork to get approval for the surgery.

I was told in 2-3 weeks that I would get a listing of appointments that I needed to attend prior to the surgery in the mail. I have to complete the appointments on the list prior to the surgery. It was mentioned that even though they set up a surgery date prior to having the insurance companies approval they very rarely, if ever, have to reschedule because they are still waiting on the insurance. When I get the list I just have to remember to double check that they are participating providers with my insurance company and call my PCPs office to ensure that I get the appropriate referrals.

I weighed 276.5 today at the office which is down from 282.5 at my appointment with my PCP in January. Dr. Graber said it is not unreasonable to have a goal weight of 130 pounds. WOW!!! I mean WOW!! That would be sooooo cool. I can't wait to look that good. My husband and I are going to go on a shopping spree when I hit 130 :)

My husband and I are going away for the weekend to visit his brother, but when we get back we're going to get the treadmill uncovered so that I can start walking every day inside while the weather is nasty. It was -8 when I got up this morning with wind chills between -30 and -40 degrees. It didn't warm up too much all day, matter of fact at 8:50pm it is 1 degree outside. I just turned on the heated mattress pad to warm up the bed so it isn't too cold :) I'm also looking forward to purchasing an elliptical machine for after the surgery. I'll have to start saving pennies now!!

And A Month Goes By....

Okay so I am a bad blog updater.....

As I mentioned on Feb 4th I didn't really have anything to update, but that soon changed.

February 9th - After being up all night violently ill with the stomach bug I was home laying on the couch trying to sleep after the vomiting had stopped. I finally get to sleep and the stinkin' phone rings. Much to my surprise it was PCPs office saying that they had received the news that my insurance company had approved the out-of-network visit with Dr. Graber. If I could have dragged myself off the couch and done cartwheels I would have. My PCP called Dr. Graber's office and set up an appointment for May 8th at 1pm. It was a 3 month wait, but what could I say?!?!

March 1st - I was on my way to house sit and dog sit for a good friend and I happened to call my machine on my way to their house. Much to my surprise Dr. Graber's office called and said that they had reviewed my information that I submitted online and would like to get me in sooner. It was 4:45 and the woman who called had left for the day and didn't leave a note in my file. I was told to call back in the morning.

March 2nd - Well we got quite the nasty winter mix overnight and there was a bit of ice on the ground when I went into work that morning. I got to work around 7am and let me tell you that the wait until 9am when the office opened was long :) I called at 9:05 and the woman who had called the day before was having trouble getting into work because of the weather conditions. I left a message for her. I received a call later that day from a nurse who was helping out the front desk she said she still didn't find a note in my file, but she could get me in on April 2 at 11am. Woo Hoo, 5 weeks earlier. I went on about my business and the phone rang later that afternoon. It was the original woman who left the message. She asked if I had gotten her message and I explained what had transpired since then. I told her that I had ended up with an appointment on April 2nd. She seemed confused, but told me she had an appointment on Tuesday, March 6th at 1pm for me. I almost fell off of my chair. I was soooo excited. I ended up telling one of my office mates as she was in the office when the phone calls transpired. I asked her to keep it quiet and am hoping that she will. I don't need everyone in the world to know my business especially since I haven't even told my own parents!

March 5th - The night before my consultation and I am hovering between excitement and nervousness. I can't wait to see what the Dr. has to say. My husband is coming with me and he is also looking forward to it. I have to leave work around 12:15 to get to the appointment at 1pm, with a few minutes to spare. I'm hoping the weather clears up some as it is snowy and blustery. They are expecting wind chills of 25 to 30 below zero tonight!

I'll update more tomorrow after my consultation.